The fork in the road.

November 6, 2011

It has definitely been a while since I last wrote. I started a new job, gotten two temporary crowns and have spent time trying to help my mother-in-law who hasn’t been well since her move to Kansas.

The fork in the road for me is regarding work. I nearly quit one day because of a devastating event at work. While I won’t disclose what happened, it was painful and made me question whether I want to continue teaching at this school. I was hired to teach special education but have spent the hours teaching middle school science instead. There is still the expectation I do the special ed. part to. There are new government forms to learn, new programs I am to be learning and implementing and new students I am to figure out how to reach. Individually, these would be doable but together it is overwhelming.

I watched the Steve Job commencement speech that they played on his death and it reinforced to me that I am not on the path I wanted to be on. I know I chose to do this job as I desire to help others and because I wanted a sense of economic security. Somehow though it doesn’t feel like enough.

I got a good evaluation from my boss the other day. I wanted to just yell though that if I were doing what I knew something about they would see what a good job was.

Do I dare make the move and if I do, can I make it work? i work on my rug hooking most nights to try to relieve the stress of work. Some days I leave at 6:30 and get home around 5:45. Then it is usually a few more hours in to try to feel like I have my head above water for the next day. Needless to say, I feel exhasuted.

Maybe the break at Thanksgiving will help me get rested up and make my thinking clearer.

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I could use my vacation now

August 7, 2011

All summer one thing of the other came along that stopped us from going any place. It was the weather, moving my mother-in-law to a place near us, her illness and need for help. I repeatedly sent in applications to different schools and the middle of last week, I got a call to report to the administration building in Topeka as there was a job for me at Chase Middle School. I had to go in Friday to do paperwork. I missed the new person orientation as they called me late. I really don’t know anything about the school except that we drove by it Saturday night to see where it might be.

I am thankful for all the people who prayed for me during this time. I feel anxious about this job though. It has come so suddenly. I don’t know how many students I will have, if I will have my own room or whether I will be team teaching somewhere. Then there is the paperwork which I imagine will be different and so I will have to learn that. I wish it was closer to home but it is closer than what the co-op had offered me.  I guess it is new person jitters.  I have to report starting Wednesday and the kids come next week. Where did the summer go?

102 degrees in Hoyt

July 20, 2011

We have been in the hundreds for over a week now. I know much of the country is in the same boat and I have the luxury of air conditioning so I won’t complain. When I go into Topeka and see the roofers and highway construction people out working, I know how fortunate I am.

We have had a few visitors lately passing through. It was nice to see them as it has been a while. I always feel anxious about them coming as I never seem to have the house in the shape I wish it was. Organizing, cleaning and keeping things up aren’t my strong suit.

I have three watercolors in progress. I ended up ordering some more paint as I can’t seems to get the browns I am looking for. I question the point of doing it some times. I use up resources and I am not sure anyone will be interested in them. I also notice that showing them to some people just makes them feel worse about their skills. That is never the point but I can understand how that feels.

 

Too much stress=two cracked teeth=two crowns

July 13, 2011

Some days it doesn’t pay to get up. Six months ago, when I still had insurance, my teeth were in good shape. Now I am looking at this. Apparently I clench and that can cause cracking. I know when my head is hurting, I have to make an effort to stop myself from doing it. I was bad after that news so I went out and had a filet-o-fish sandwich and a small strawberry milkshake. It didn’t help enough though. Bah Humbug!

Summer in Kansas

July 12, 2011

We have been in one heatwave, are getting a day reprieve (only 92 tomorrow), and will be going into another one. It is hard to get enthused about this kind of weather. We went for a walk the last couple of evenings but the oppressiveness made it hard. I feel bad for the highway workers, the warehouse and railroad workers and all who must battle this without benefit of fans and air conditioning.

We took Jim’s mom out for a trip to Walmart. I have never spent that much time in one before. She wants her independence and to be able to do things. It is hard though to watch her struggle with not being able to find things and having trouble driving the cart.

We are supposed to be going to a sock knitting convention soon but I am doubting whether we will get to go.  I would almost rather cancel it at this point than at the last minute.  When I registered, I had no idea how hard things were going to get with my mother-in-law. There are days she doesn’t want to eat but denies it. I can bring her food but maybe she will eat some of it or maybe she will eat it a few bites of it days later. We were glad she actually purchased some food today as for weeks, when Jim took her to the store, all she bought was cigarettes.  I understand her COPD makes it hard for her to do things and when I try to help her by cleaning, bringing food or whatever, she doesn’t like it.

I went with Jim and his mom to the Hoyt Senior Citizens meal. I came out thinking I needed  to get a job or something. Dealing with turnning 55 was hard enough but I am not ready to make a habit of doing that.

It was hard to go through the store and see all the school supplies. Usually, by now, I would start buying to use at school or to help some of my students out. I saw a teaching job listed but this one was in Powhattan. It is almost like being taunted with possibilities that are beyond my reach. I reminded myself I could sub this next year and am thankful that we will probably survive financially.

On an upnote, I have been working on some watercolors. I have sorted some boxes from the garage and Jim took stuff to Goodwill. I worked on the kitchen floor again and it looks somewhat better. We have company coming so I had better get going cleaning the house.

Day two of Watercolor class

June 25, 2011

Today I worked on some tulips. I came home and bought some better paper as the surface of this one doesn’t allow me to do what I want to do. I hope this gives me the motivation to keep going.

Day One for Watercolor Workshop

June 24, 2011

I was at Sarah’s Enchanted Cottage today taking a watercolor workshop. The lesson was based on the method used by Lian Quan Zhen . We derw our design on the paper using a picture divided into thirds. We used masking fluid to block out the flowers and then splashed on color. Once it was dry, we removed the masking fluid and and added more color. It has been quite a while since I have done watercolor and the paper wasn’t the greatest so I have a few spots that I would like to lift the  color out of but it wasn’t working. Oh well…………… Here is my effort today. The color in the picture isn’t great but you get the idea.

Moving forward

June 18, 2011

I ordered new business cards. I worked on my Etsy site but it still has nothing on it to sell yet 🙂 Had my sewing machine cleaned and have it set up and ready to go. I stopped at the park to look at the building they wanted me to paint some small murals on.  My final thing of note for my summer of art project was that I signed up for a two day watercolor workshop in Holton next week. I should have some pictures next week.

Still no word back on the job interviews.

Summer Days

June 13, 2011

I finished my last class on Friday. It was interesting and I enjoyed the people I was with. I hope to have a class with them in the future.

Much of my mother-in-law’s things are out of boxes now. I hope to get over there to day to help organize things that she can’t do. Jim wanted to take her down to senior citizens today but she wouldn’t go. She backed out of going to church yesterday too. I had hoped the medicine they gave her Friday night in the emergency room for pneumonia would have clicked in and got her moving.

Heather and Scott brought me pizza and strawberry pie for my birthday. It was good and I was glad to see them. We are trying to work out a Father’s Day barbecue with bratwurst and hot dogs.

I have been working on lists so I keep myself active and not feeling sorry for myself. I haven’t heard anything back from my job interviews so far. I started an Etsy shop but have nothing listed. I am trying to be upbeat though.

I HATE CLEANING

June 6, 2011

Enough said on that subject. I had hoped to be done by the time my mother-in-law got down here but it isn’t looking hopeful. 😦